Navigating Communication Challenges in Relationships
Working Through Communication Problems in Relationships: Practical Solutions for Expats, Parents, and Couples Dealing with Life's Transitions
As a therapist, the most common problem my clients seek me out for is communication problems. Either a mismatch in their communication style, a pattern of conflict avoidance, or the stress of life transitions that have impacted their relationship, these issues are typically at the source of their unhappiness. Be it adjusting to a new country, giving birth, dealing with illness, or even navigating career transition, the way we communicate can easily become caught up in strain and uncertainty.
Having guided many clients through such transitions, I've seen up close how even the healthiest of relationships can collapse when communication breaks down. The good news, though, is that communication is something we can do something about and improve. By understanding the dynamics at play and using effective therapeutic interventions, couples can rebuild healthier communication patterns, negotiate conflict, and reconnect with one another.
Common Communication Problems in Relationships
Life transitions are usually accompanied by a series of emotional and psychological adjustments. In most couples, these adjustments would challenge the way they communicate and relate. Let's look at some common scenarios:
For Expats: Moving to another country is a huge transition, and for most couples, it is not just a question of getting used to a new house but to an entirely new culture. Being an expat myself, I know how such transitions can bring about feelings of loneliness or aggravation, which, if not communicated effectively, can lead to confusion and conflict. Partners may not always perceive the experience in the same manner, and that's where communication breaks down.
After Having a Baby: Having a baby changes everything—your schedule, your sleep, and, for many, the way you communicate with your partner. The stress of parenting can make it difficult to have meaningful conversations, and the stress of adapting to new roles can lead to conflict. Partners may feel alone, misunderstood, or even resentful if they are not communicating their needs successfully.
When Coping with Serious Illness: Illness, both temporary and chronic, can introduce yet another level of complexity to relational communication. The stress of having to deal with a serious health issue can leave emotions raw, and in most cases, one partner will feel overwhelmed while the other will feel helpless. Communication can breakdown when both are uncertain about how to talk about the disease, its impact, and their own fears.
Career Changes or Financial Difficulties: Stress at work or financial issues can also cause significant communication breakdowns. Whether one partner is struggling to find a new job or both are feeling the strain of financial pressure, these challenges can create frustration and resentment. In most situations, these challenges aren't communicated openly, and that lack of communication can create tension and emotional distance between partners.
The BIFF Model: A Simple, Powerful Communication Tool for Conflict
The BIFF Model is one of the most useful tools that I recommend to clients grappling with conflict—a simple communication method that will de-escalate volatile conflict and promote healthier communication. BIFF is an acronym that stands for:
Brief: Keep your responses brief and to the point.
Informative: Stick to facts, minus emotional language or blame.
Firm: Set boundaries clearly but not aggressively.
Friendly: Be respectful in tone.
If the communication becomes emotional—either during a conflict or simply when there is a high level of stress—the BIFF Model helps to preserve a constructive conversation. It allows partners to communicate more clearly and without undue escalation, with more mutual understanding and respect. (Source: Bill Eddy, "BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People," High Conflict Institute)
Attachment Styles and Communication
In my work with clients, I catch myself analyzing on a regular basis how different attachment styles influence communication. We learn our attachment style early in life, and it influences our style of relating to others, especially when we are under stress. The four primary attachment styles are as follows:
Secure Attachment: People with this style communicate freely and effectively, and they maintain a sense of safety and trust in their relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Someone with an anxious attachment style will tend to seek reassurance repeatedly, and may become excessively emotional or reactive during conflict.
Avoidant Attachment: Those who are avoidantly attached will tend to shut down or withdraw during conflict, and avoid emotional conversations.
Disorganized Attachment: A blend of anxious and avoidant tendencies, resulting in chaotic communication styles and an inability to resolve conflict effectively.
Understanding your partner's—and your own—attachment style can be so helpful in improving communication. By knowing where the breakdowns occur, you can approach conversations with more insight and empathy. (Source: John Bowlby, "Attachment Theory and Close Relationships")
Personality Types and Unhelpful Communication Habits
Our personalities also play a big role in how we communicate. Some partners will naturally lean towards more introverted communication styles, and others will be more extroverted. This can lead to tension, especially in conflict. In my practice, I've noticed that partners can sometimes get into some negative communication habits, such as:
Passive communication: Withholding your needs or feelings, and feeling resentful or angry.
Aggressive communication: Reacting angrily or volcanically, which can make the other person become defensive.
Passive-aggressive communication: Indirectly expressing resentment, which can mystify and increase conflict.
It is challenging these ingrained patterns that is a valuable part of therapy. As we learn healthier modes of self-expression and response to our partners, we can drastically improve our communication and overall relationship satisfaction.
Individual Therapy vs. Couples Therapy: Different Approaches to Communication
While couples therapy addresses solely the process of communication between you and your partner, individual therapy can inform and allow you to resolve your own personal problems impacting how you communicate. During individual therapy, we address your own personal communication patterns, emotional triggers, and what motivates your relationship. If, for example, you're struggling with work stress, financial stress, or personal insecurities, individual therapy can allow you to process through these problems, making it easier to communicate with your partner.
On the other hand, couples therapy is designed to improve the relationship as a whole. Here, we work together to identify communication patterns that are no longer serving you and how to conflict in a healthy manner. Couples therapy allows both of you to discover each other's needs, communication styles, and emotional responses, which can allow you to communicate more effectively and come to solutions that will work for both of you.
Conclusion: Rebuilding Stronger Communication
Life transitions can make communication in relationships particularly difficult, but they do not have to spell disaster. Regardless of whether you are managing expat stress, adjusting to parenthood, reacting to a health crisis, or dealing with financial stress, you can reconstruct and strengthen your communication. By learning skills like the BIFF model, understanding how attachment styles affect communication, and modifying unhelpful habits, you can create a healthier, more functional style of communicating with your partner.
If you're struggling with communication in your relationship, consider seeking out individual or couples therapy for help. With the proper support and guidance, you can overcome barriers and create the open, honest communication you need to thrive in your relationship. To talk about your options for couples therapy in Barcelona or online couples therapy wherever you are in the world, send me a message here.